Do You Even Need Coffee? A (Completely Unscientific) Morning Test

/ Rise Cafe Denver/

Ah, morning. That magical time when birds chirp, the sun rises, and you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the day!

Just kidding.

If you’re anything like us at Rise Café Denver, your mornings probably involve groggy stumbles to the kitchen, a strong desire to stay wrapped in your blanket burrito, and an overwhelming need for coffee. But do you really need that first cup, or are you just drinking it out of habit?

Take this completely unscientific, totally unverified morning test to find out just how badly you need that sweet, caffeinated nectar today.

☕ Keep track of your points as you go! Your fate will be revealed at the end.

1. First, let’s check in. How did you wake up this morning?

A. I naturally opened my eyes to the soft glow of morning light. I feel well-rested and optimistic about the day. (0 points)
B. My alarm went off, and I immediately reconsidered all of my life choices. (1 point)
C. I woke up confused, not knowing what year it was or what planet I’m on. (2 points)
D. I have no memory of waking up. One minute I was asleep, and the next, I was standing in the shower, still wearing pajamas. (3 points)

Caffeine Indicator:

  • If you picked A, congrats, you’re a rare species known as a "Morning Person." You might not need coffee, but go ahead and enjoy a cup anyway.

  • If you picked B-D, don’t fight it. Coffee is calling your name.

2. Let’s talk about basic motor functions. Can you…

A. Walk in a straight line without feeling like you’re on a balance beam? (0 points)
B. Type a text message that doesn’t look like it was written by a raccoon? (1 point)
C. Remember your own name and/or where you put your phone? (2 points)
D. Perform any of the above without intense concentration? (3 points)

Caffeine Indicator:

  • If you answered A, you’re doing fine—for now.

  • If you answered B-D, let’s be honest: your coordination levels are deeply concerning. Proceed directly to the nearest coffee source.

3. Quick memory check: What day is it?

A. It’s [insert actual day here]. (0 points)
B. It’s definitely a weekday… right? (1 point)
C. It’s either Monday or Saturday. Or possibly Wednesday. (2 points)
D. Time is a social construct. (3 points)

Caffeine Indicator:

  • If you got A, your brain is semi-functional. You could technically wait for coffee—but why would you?

  • If you picked B-D, you clearly need a hot, fresh cup just to rejoin society.

4. Are you experiencing any of the following side effects? (Check all that apply and add 1 point for each!)

✅ Uncontrollable yawning (+1)
✅ Staring at walls, objects, or people for uncomfortably long periods (+1)
✅ Forgetting how to spell words like “coffee” or “morning” (+1)
✅ Responding to emails with complete nonsense (+1)
✅ Trying to open doors with your car keys (+1)
✅ Zoning out mid-conversation and waking up three minutes later (+1)

Caffeine Indicator:

  • If you checked one or more, coffee is your best friend today.

  • If you checked all of them, please, for the love of espresso, get caffeine in your system immediately.

5. Let’s check your patience levels. How do you feel about human interaction right now?

A. I could engage in a friendly conversation with a stranger and possibly even smile. (0 points)
B. I can handle small talk, but please, keep it short and don’t expect enthusiasm. (1 point)
C. If someone so much as breathes near me before I’ve had coffee, I may cry. (2 points)
D. I just growled at my own reflection. (3 points)

Caffeine Indicator:

  • If you got A, you’re emotionally stable enough to wait for coffee. But why would you?

  • If you got B-D, you need a latte, stat—for your sake and the safety of those around you.

Final Verdict: Do You Even Need Coffee?

☕ 0-2 Points: You’re a morning unicorn. You may not need coffee, but let’s be real—you deserve a little something delicious from Rise Café anyway.

☕☕ 3-6 Points: You’re functioning, but coffee will make you better. Proceed to the nearest caffeine source immediately.

☕☕☕ 7-10 Points: You are currently running at 2% brain capacity. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go get coffee. Now.

☕☕☕☕ 11+ Points: Are… are you okay? You might need two cups—at the same time. In fact, we’ll start prepping a coffee IV drip for you. Hang in there. Help is on the way.

The Science (Or Lack Thereof) Behind Coffee and Mornings

Look, we’re not saying coffee is a requirement to function. Some people do just fine without it (we don’t know any of these people personally, but we hear they exist).

What we are saying is that life is short, mornings are rough, and coffee makes everything better. So whether you need it, want it, or just love the ritual of that first sip, Rise Café Denver has your back.

Come see us. We’ll be the ones holding giant mugs and trying to remember what day it is.

P.S. How did you do on the test? Let us know in the comments below! Bonus points if you’re already sipping your coffee while reading this.

Want More Fun Coffee Content? Check out our latest posts:
“If Coffee Beans Could Talk: A Frosty Morning Chat Between Brews”
“Coffee Tarot: What Your Brew Says About You”
“Cosmic Caffeine: Brewing Coffee in Zero Gravity”